ups and downs

Well, Athan had a pretty good afternoon, but also some rough patches. He really does nurse well when he is alert and rested, but life in NICU doesn't always allow for him to be alert and rested by each feeding. Doctor visits and tests and meds are part of it, but he is also working on the same things most babies are working on - diaper rash being a big issue at the moment, for example. We had to put the feeding tube back in just to make sure he is getting enough when he is not alert enough to nurse well. Also, we are trying to figure out the best way to get him his meds. When we get home, there won't be a tube to push them through, so he has to learn to take them mixed with breast milk in a bottle (which so far he just won't do - he's used to latching on to Mama instead of bottle), or some other way that we can do at home when we get there.

Ryan is on medicine and feeling better, but still not feeling 100% about spending time back with Athan. We're hoping some more rest and cough syrup will help tonight.

I'm also a little more sore and having a little bit more trouble just moving around. Everything still seems to be healing well, but my body is remembering I did give birth recently! Ryan has been so good to help me rest more today and take it easier. He also went out and bought me new shoes for walking around the hospital. Sounds silly, but it has made my day SO much better for my feet to not be burning and my ankles not be swollen.

Aside from physically, I've been searching for words to describe how I am doing. As we told some friends today, the time of panic has subsided. I don't feel overwhelmed like I did at first. When it comes to walking out all that this will mean for our family, the best word for how I feel is "resolute." We can do this. Athan can do this. Leaning heavily on our Jesus and His church, we can keep walking (or running or limping or crawling) this out. I know there will probably be times when I'm overwhelmed again, but we can face that, too. And the other word for how I feel is just "sad." I know Athan can do this, and I'm grateful that he is alive and has the opportunity to do it. But I am also immensely sad for my little boy because he has to do this. He's just a little boy.

As always, it was good to see some friends today, as well as hearing from many of you via calls and comments and e-mails. We remain thankful for the ways you all are loving us through all of this.